Movie Theaters Are Broken

I love getting out of the house to see a movie, especially in the aftermath of COVID's worst lockdowns.

Sometimes I get a little adrenaline rush when I first leave, as I mentally map-out the best route to drive, the fastest concession stand order to place, and repeat my seat number to myself, so I can efficiently plop into place.

"Oh jeepers," I think to myself, "the movie starts at 8:00! I don't want to be late!!"

I get my Buncha Crunch and check my watch. "...Oh no, it's 8:03!"

I clomp down the darkened, curtain-lined hallway into the theater, hoping I'm not missing anything good!

GREAT NEWS: I'm not.

The movie doesn't actually start for another goddamn half hour.

You want my old bones to come back? Streamline this shit.

I want to be here. Why are you making it so painful?

We've got 10 trailers for movies that don't come out until next year...(why don't they show other films playing across the hall? I'll come back tomorrow!)

Sometimes I'm seeing a goddamn Trolls trailer in front of a horror film, too, what's going on?

Don't get me wrong, I still love that little roast session we all have when a trailer ends: "ooh that movie looks like a real stink-a-roo. NEXT!"

But how many do we need? I know I'm a captive audience, but please, some mercy.

Then, because I'm an idiot, I always breath a sight of relief when that flashy screensaver plays, reminding me to turn off my phone and shut my mouth. At least it means the movie is starting.

Except, in 2023, it absolutely does not mean that.

We still have the Nicole Kidman commercial to sit through. The one that advertises AMC while I'm presently sitting inside an AMC.

Hey AMC, you sold me. I can't be here any sooner than right now. Lay off, would ya?

Okay...Nicole Kidman is finally gone.

Here we go.

Uh oh.

CRASH, BOOM, WOOOOOOOOOSH!

YOU'RE SITTING IN A DOLBY THING, BABY!

Thankfully my eardrums have time to heal while countless production company logos fade in and out.

GUBSON

DREAMHAVER STUDIOS

BONK

SKUBFILMZ

DOINKY

The movie finally starts.

It too late.

I am skeleton.